I woke up today with this thought ringing through my skull.
“What is the one thing you want to do today.” Do it.
I’m supposed to begin the trip tomorrow. The first stop is to go back to my parents’ house in Dunnellon and work on a song about my hometown. I don’t feel like I want to do that.
Maybe I’ve spent too long imagining and planning it and now it feels stale. I follow an itinerary every other day in my life and today I’m asking what is the one thing I want to do.
She’s in Delaware for work all month, then after that traveling back to where she came from. So I’m not supposed to get to see her again.
There it is again. “What is the one thing I really want to do.”
Let’s just look. Still not out of bed my fingers find their way to a google search and here’s what I see.
The next day I’m at a game of hers working on music. Feeling good.
Making stuff requires that spirit of “What do I want to do right now”. That’s what fuels me to act. To sing, to write, to show up. I was full of that stuff and ready to go. I’ve already pieced together a bunch of the parts for LYM but it still needs something.
A few days ago I started showing this song to a few friends who were over at the house and they had all had the same reaction of “It’s cool but what is it?” To me, the song has a clear focus but I saw how it wasn’t accessible to people who were just hearing it for the first time.
The song is about people leaving me and how hard it is to get close to people when so many of them have ended up moving away. Solastalgia. Christian and Chaz. Angie. RJ. Hailey. Opportunity moves people in different directions and they go. I don’t know if I was made to deal with so much transience. Our generation has more access to travel and is more mobile than any before it. But emotionally it’s hard.
So today at the field while fielding all these feelings, I wrote this rap to be the outro for LYM.
I’m tired of people I love moving.
I’ve moved on so many times I don’t know what I’m doing.
I held onto you so long my hands turned black and blue and
Still watched it slip through these fingers like they all do and
I wonder if the reason that I want to travel is
Because they traveled on me now I feel inadequate
I finally let you go but I guess I’m kind of sad I did
It’s like I’m one beat short of two bars and
I can say that opportunity moved us away
But it’s hard to swallow when this is my new reality
I put you first and the worst is that apparently
Something out there was a bit more important than me
Still that’s real too
I wanna be me I want you to be you
Gotta find a way to deal with this I gotta do it
So I keep you all inside my heart and in my music
And I hope you find what you were looking for
Hope you have 20/20 at 24
Look behind every open door
Find contentedness forevermore
Or at least a story of a future you wake up feel inspired for
Look back at your life and see that you weren’t just a spectator
Cause that’s what I expect of ya
That all your woes are spoken for
Hope you get better at guitar
Hope you stay a shining star
Cause ain’t too many like you to be accounted for
Hope you stay remarkable
Hope your demons are purposeful
Hope I see you again I don’t know when – hope life is merciful
Oh btw, we’re staying in this house/antique shop full of random cool stuff. The AC isn’t working and the house is on the corner of a hella annoying intersection. So if we open the windows for air we got a ton of morning traffic, but if we close them it’s super hot and muggy. Check this out.
Last night was incredible. Yesterday we drove down south a few hours so she could work a tournament for the weekend. Instead of driving back and forth or renting an AirBnb, we decided to sleep in the car.
Let me give you some background on sleeping in the car. She has a really specific strategy when sleeping in the car. Not only does she have velcro screens that fit in each window to maximize airflow without getting mosquitos, but we both had two comfy camping beds that fit perfectly into the back of her Honda fit after pushing the front seats forward. It was actually pretty enjoyable.
The hard part about car snoozing is finding a place to park. The strategy is as follows.
1) Go to a quiet, safe (read: rich) neighbourhood. You’re going to be sleeping with the windows down so you don’t want to get robbed.
2) Park somewhere that’s ambiguous as to which house your car would be parking to visit. Long sections of fence or bushes work well for this. Across the street from multiple houses is good.
3) Pack the car as much as possible BEFORE you get to where you’re going to stay because you want to open and shut the doors as little as possible.
4) Don’t drink a ton of water because going to the bathroom is… complicated.
Besides some of these hurdles, the experience overall was absolutely liberating to me. I spent so much time getting ready for this trip planning lodging and saving to afford to live somewhere, the idea that we could be comfortable having a place to sleep that costs nothing feels amazing. I feel like we could go anywhere any time and be free as could be. Needless to say, I woke up this morning feeling super relieved and free. After dropping her at her game I made this video in a Starbucks parking lot. You can practically see the steam coming off my brain after the experience.
Afterwards, I decided to wait in the parking lot for her tournament to be over. While I was waiting I set up the car recording rig and recorded some raps while I was waiting. It had to have been over 110 degrees in the car by the time I was done because it was 90 outside and it felt like cold. I was sweating so profusely. I smelled like dead things. But I was so high and alive feeling off of the rapping and the heat. The result was the outro rap for WYR.
Angie was not. She was tired from working. And I think my hype energy only served to make her feel more worn out. It’s funny how our attitudes affect the attitudes of each other. It’s almost as if we move over to make space, and in doing so move into an adjacent mind state hell-bent on maintaining our individuality.
Holds me and hopes she could be more than free
I don’t want to think
She just pulls her love like the sheet over me.”
“Angie,” I whispered, almost to myself, “Sometimes I just get worn out. I guess you care about me, but you’ve never told me that. All I’ve heard you say is you don’t plan on staying in Florida. I don’t know how you feel. About me, about us. Day in and day out, it’s in the back of my head. I get so insecure sometimes.”
Her eyes watered up and for a moment she looked worried. But after a few minutes of looking at each other, she just nestled her head onto my shoulder and wrapped her arm tightly around my stomach.
I know she wishes she knew more about what will happen. How she feels, where she’ll land. I think she wants to explain it all to me but the words just don’t come.