If I Love You

We ALL have trauma in our lives. We’ve all experienced grief in different ways and to different degrees. And we all coped or are coping with that in different ways. And some of those coping mechanisms we develop may or may not serve our lives once we’re no longer facing the same challenges.
 
I’ve been told that as a guy I had probably been to conditioned to cope with challenges by repressing my feelings and that the biggest influence for my relationship to my emotions would be the example my dad set. Sure enough, my dad has told me in the past that growing up he saw emotions as something to try to push away. 
 
So for my birthday last month I settled on buying myself therapy.
 
Why?
 
Because I started realizing how little I FEEL things anymore.
 
And I’m not really sure why.
 
Am I just older now and don’t get so worked up about stuff? Am I “repressing emotions” and trying to turn myself into a robot?
 
I’ve decided it’s problematic because I don’t really experience feelings of love or emotional bonding with people around me very much. And I think this makes people around me feel unvalued sometimes. I just sort of cruise through without the high’s or low’s. Honestly, for me, it’s not that bad of a way to live most of the time. 
 
One of the unintended results of therapy is after each session I start writing songs about the feelings I’m experiencing. So I wrote this song in a moment of feeling loss for the deep emotions I had growing up.
 
Here’s to vulnerability, getting better, and all the other things my new therapist reminds me about.

They say time heals all I been patient
Did some therapy and learned meditation
I fought anxiety - Prayed Fought for clarity and mostly I waited
But nothing changed - Still she - For this broken heart - with anxiety- To see would something change - To see if something changes
 
Don't have a plan been workin my ass off
Getting this bread head in the sand face in my laptop
On the day to day
I pack that shit away
 
So don't ask me if I love ya
I'm afraid I'll never love anyone
I'm afraid I'll never love anyone again
Don't ask me if I love you
Cuz it seems like part of me ran away and
I'm afraid I'll never love anyone again

My deepest thank you.
I promise that I will do my best to give you and your guests an amazing show. I will reach back out to you through email / phone soon.